Lunar Observer

Celebrate St. Patrick in your own way

But do not pinch those who forget to wear green.

Lunar Observer

Celebrate St. Patrick in your own way

But do not pinch those who forget to wear green.
Lunar Observer

Celebrate St. Patrick in your own way

But do not pinch those who forget to wear green.

Lunar Observer records upcoming dates of interest: holidays, birthdays, best day to cut hair.

St. Patrick’s Day is on the 17th, as it is every year. Depending on where you live, there’s either a parade or there isn’t, and depending on who you are, you’ll either enjoy it or try to avoid it.

Saint Patrick’s Day is a Christian feast day in celebration of the person who suppressed the pagan religions in Ireland — usually this is encoded as “he chased the snakes out.” Like everything, it’s now basically the opposite of what it used to be — it’s a time to have pagan gatherings in which you watch a large snake made of people you love slowly snake into your town / heart / life while you wave at them from a sidewalk. If you go to a lot of drug stores, bars, or municipal buildings, you will most likely see a few specific symbols in play this week, most notably the color green and the shamrock. The color green is pretty obvious — Ireland. Plus, things are just starting to get green again in the vegetable world. But what’s special about a shamrock? As it turns out, nothing! A shamrock is a three-leafed (or “conventional”) clover, and was used by St. Patrick to indoctrinate the locals (or Ireland) in the ways of the Holy Christian Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Ghost). But the shamrock isn’t rare, or lucky — they’re everywhere! It’s the four-leaf clover that’s lucky. And the five-leaf clover is even more lucky. What these extra leaves represent I do not know.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day within Lent where, traditionally, all Lenten promises are allowed to pause — if you gave up alcohol for Lent, you can drink on St. Patrick’s Day. If you gave up the snooze button, you can snooze until the button breaks. If you gave up shitty movies, you can watch Leprechaun, though I wouldn’t recommend it. This year for Lent, I gave up on looking at my phone in the bathroom — probably going to keep not doing that, even on St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not really a big deal.

Traditional to St. Patrick’s Day is the “Wetting of the Shamrock” — putting a small bit of clover in a glass, filling it with whiskey or beer, and downing the lot. Long-time readers may recognize my penchant for eating small bits of debris for nominally sacrificial reasons. What can I say, I love debris!

Also traditional is pinching anyone not wearing green, but let’s face it, it’s time to give this tradition up. It’s the 21st century, and you can’t just be pinching people that don’t celebrate a day the way you do. That’s not how we grow as a society. If you want to pinch somebody, stick to pinching your own friends. Are they still your friends? If yes, great, but don’t push it. If no, we recommend apologizing and gift-giving. If you want to get pinched on this day, not wearing green isn't going to work anymore — you’ll just have to hire a professional domme, or ask someone if you’re dreaming.

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Jacob Khepler is the main writer and publisher of Mothers News. He lives in Providence, Rhode Island.