There are lots of businesses out there, but I think we can all agree that there is no business like show business. The lights! The cameras! The action! We love it! Celebrity culture may be the most visible example of income inequality that people don’t really care about, but if we eliminated show business, there would be no shows (and also no movies), and life would get a big two thumbs down.
The good news is show business is alive and kicking, and thanks to the new, single-serving Twitter account @NightOpening, the world can relive the glitz and glamor of Hollywood’s Golden Age, aka from the release of The Mask (1994) to the release of Wild Hogs (2007). When one of the classic Hollywood stars like Tim Allen, Chris Kattan, or Rob Schneider had a movie premiere, the spotlights shone in the sky like a Bat Signal for all of their classic Hollywood friends to show support by horsing around on the red carpet.
Wild Hogs Premiere 2007 pic.twitter.com/GjpzpLn9Dq— Movie Premieres Unlimited (@NightOpening) March 8, 2019
Austin Powers Goldmember— Movie Premieres Unlimited (@NightOpening) March 9, 2019
Premiere 2002 Continued pic.twitter.com/rufCNsgc1X
JAWBREAKER Premiere— Movie Premieres Unlimited (@NightOpening) March 10, 2019
Hollywood Galaxy Premiere & Post Party pic.twitter.com/v1GMPyefHl
Of course, when an actual Batman movie came out, like the one where George Clooney was Batman and Bat “George Clooney” Man had nipples on his superhero costume, I’m sure there was an actual Bat Signal at the premiere.
Batman & Robin Premiere— Movie Premieres Unlimited (@NightOpening) March 8, 2019
Looking through the pictures from @NightOpening, you quickly come to understand a few things. First: Danny DeVito, Gary Busey, and Jon Stamos have been in way more movies than people realize. Second Val Kilmer is basically the only person in Hollywood who managed to dress cool in the late ‘90s.
Eyes Wide Shut Premiere— Movie Premieres Unlimited (@NightOpening) March 10, 2019
Muppets From Space Premiere— Movie Premieres Unlimited (@NightOpening) March 10, 2019
On top of the revelation that the aforementioned Golden Age of Hollywood (1994-whenever Wild Hogs came out) was basically the worst period for fashion in human history, having a Twitter feed full of horrifically self-satisfied showbiz people yukking it up at one premiere after another flattens time, as if all of these stars are trapped on a single red carpet that never ends. The stars are not just like us; unlike Bruce Willis or Adam Sandler, we will never get to showboat on a red carpet while celebrating a movie we probably knew was bad when we were making it. (And unlike Jean-Claude Van Damme, we will never be rewarded for riding an elephant in the most racist way possible.)
By presenting these photos with as little context as possible, @NightOpening has created the most fitting possible punishment for the sheer self-indulgent dumbness of Hollywood. This, each photo seems to say, is what it’s all about! In its capable hands, every night is the biggest night in show business, a night the stars would surely regret if they were not trapped in a time loop that will never end.
Also, here’s O.J. Simpson at the premiere of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.
Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo— Movie Premieres Unlimited (@NightOpening) March 8, 2019
2005 Premiere pic.twitter.com/z2CaBz3WOd