Need a celebrity endorsement for your bullshit company?
There’s an app for that.
If you have a brand, the logic of our modern hell goes, the fastest way to convince people to give your brand money is to pay a celebrity to talk about you. There are so, so many celebrities, and more of them do nothing than ever before. Ergo, there are more celebrities whose only source of income is hawking shit to their fans. Contemporary economics dictates that the world needs a platform to connect these bullshit celebrities with bullshit brands.
That’s where FamePick comes in. According to the company’s website, the company offers “access to 1,000+ influential celebrities,” all of whom are chomping at the bit to provide “celebrity content on demand.” Essentially, you select a celebrity, then give FamePick some money, and then FamePick gives that money to your chosen celebrity, who will spam their social media feed telling people to buy your shit. The company claims to have facilitated endorsements for such brands as consumer goods megacorp Procter & Gamble, game site Miniclip, and the wine delivery service Winc.
But which celebrities can one enlist to tell the world about your website full of data-collecting flash games, internet delivery service, or human rights-violating capitalist monstrosity? I wanted to find out.
Unfortunately, the FamePick website wouldn’t let me see which celebrities are shilling their shilling services to companies without creating an account. So, I gave them my email address so I could see which celebrities I could get to endorse my hypothetical brand for money. Here are some highlights:
Now obviously, there’s a LOT going on here. While the endorsement of some top-tier celebs, such as Shaq and Nicki Minaj, are so exclusive that you have to reach out to FamePick to find out how much their endorsement would cost, others are relatively affordable. I love, for example, that there are two celebrity dog accounts on the site who charge more for their services than Aaron Carter:
But also, some of these prices seem kinda arbitrary. Please see below:
Like, why are Scott Disick and Fat Joe in the same pricing tier? While Fat Joe, who managed to be a vital member of the early 90’s underground New York hip-hop scene only to reinvent himself as a ubiquitous pop-rapper in the 2000’s, has made dozens of great songs and is a vital part of hip-hop history, he is also objectively less famous than Scott Disick, and if I needed an endorsement for a thing, I would go with Disick in a second.
Another example of FamePick’s bizarre pricing:
If, for some reason, I wanted — nay, needed — a member of the Jersey Shore cast to tell everyone about how great my company’s electric plunger (or whatever) was, I would definitely want Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to be cosigning it, because he said the most unintentionally stuff on the show. Yet he’s cheaper than DJ Pauly D and Vinny? C’mon, FamePick! Have some respect for The Situation!
Anyways, my favorite celebrity profile belongs to Marshawn Lynch, who is pictured wearing headphones and eating a sandwich while sporting a confused look on his face, as if even he doesn’t understand why he is selling his services as an endorser of products. I cropped out his endorsement cost, because Marshawn Lynch is priceless.