Oh god. How do I write this lede without sounding like a smarmy local TV anchor?
If it seems like the ground under President Donald Trump’s feet has been collapsing, well —
No. No no no.
Believe it or not, the White House has sunk to a new low —
Oh shut up. Really? Really.
It appears Donald Trump is finally getting around to draining the swa —
Aghghghghghghgh.
Perhaps due to the swampy weather in DC lately. 😊 There’s a sinkhole in the North Lawn of the White House. 📸 @MarkWalzCNNpic.twitter.com/m5AeDRDsvn
— Jim Acosta (@Acosta) May 22, 2018
Yep, a goddamn sinkhole has formed on the North Lawn of the White House, just outside the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room entrance, which meant that journalists were bound to notice it. National Parks Service spokesperson Jenny Anzelmo-Sarles says the moderate walking hazard was spotted sometime on Sunday (yes, the National Park Service is the official groundskeeper of “President’s Park”). Over the past couple of days, a few White House reporters observed that the sinkhole had gotten noticeably larger, leading to what appeared to be yet another White House “cover-up” on Tuesday afternoon.
Update: The @WhiteHouse sinkhole is now a cover-up. pic.twitter.com/X031j3SL0u
— Steve Herman (@W7VOA) May 22, 2018
Theories about what exactly caused the sinkhole emerged in news reports from most major outlets. Meteorologists at The Weather Channel suspected a week of unrelenting rainfall potentially ripened conditions for cratering soil. The New York Times turned to Jess Phoenix, a geologist running for Congress in California, who noted that the White House stands in the vicinity of a “legitimate swamp,” perhaps therefore making its lawn susceptible to some hazardous mushiness. And Quartz astutely pointed out that the D.C. area has been prone to the occasional sinkhole, like the one that swallowed up a school bus last year.
NPS plans to call in their finest sinkhole experts to examine the sinkhole and produce a solution. “We do not believe it poses any risk to the White House or is representative of a larger problem,” Anzelmo-Sarles said, judiciously sidestepping the sinkhole’s actual significance as a widening emblem of presidential implosion.
As you might expect, the American public embarked on a frantic search for deeper meaning in this barely veiled, naturally-occurring analogy for a floundering presidency (along with the inevitable novelty Twitter accounts).
a sinkhole near the white house?
— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) May 22, 2018
that's ground breaking news
So a sinkhole has opened up on the White House lawn. God was asked whether He would stop it from swallowing the whole building, but He responded, “The Trumps are in my thoughts and prayers.”
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) May 22, 2018
A #sinkhole has opened on the White House lawn. This may be the event which finally pushes me to believe there really is a God.
— BarbieSmith (@smithsbarbie) May 22, 2018
FOOTAGE- Sinkhole opens up under White House. pic.twitter.com/xAVHG5axOJ
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) May 22, 2018
Looks like a higher power is intervening and @realDonaldTrump is getting his own shortcut to hell...https://t.co/TReEP2xSWU
— Misha Collins (@mishacollins) May 22, 2018
The #sinkhole isn't from Me. It's from Satan. It's his way of telling Trump the contract is expiring.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 23, 2018
Between the joke-theories that Trump confidants had tried to tunnel out onto Pennsylvania Avenue and that a portal to hell has opened up on the White House lawn, all this discussion feels like a commentary on our ongoing quest to find any meaning at all in the Trump era. But maybe it’s not that complicated: Oddly enough, Tuesday was the one-year anniversary of another literal sinkhole discovery at Trump’s cherished Mar-a-Lago Club, making May 22 an unofficial national holiday to celebrate conspicuous symbols of our nation’s political decrepitude. Maybe it’s high time Trump follows through on that whole infrastructure talking point. He can start by not ignoring the swamp that is festering in his very own backyard.
