Side Note

A man named Sexy Vegan is running for president

He’s got a face tattoo, wears Speedos in public, and once got kicked off Dr. Phil for using excessive profanity.

As the election of Donald Trump reminded us, literally anyone can run for president as long as they fill out a form on the Federal Elections Commission’s website (if you, too, would like to run for president, click here). Most of the people who do so are in no way qualified for the job and stand no chance of winning, but they do so anyway, and if nothing else, the pluck and/or self-delusion that must take is worth admiring.

Of all the charmingly bizarre would-be presidents who have filed paperwork with the FEC, there is one who stands head and shoulders above the rest. It is not Adam Kokesh, a libertarian who’s running for “Non-President” whose website redirects you back to the homepage when you try to click on the link to his platform. Nor is it Michael Puskar, who bills himself as “America’s Best Friend” and dutifully files his quarterly reports with the FEC despite only having $500 on hand. And it’s not Claire Cruise, who once made national news for claiming to be Prince’s secret widow.

The greatest and best (and by that I mean strangest) presidential candidate in the 2020 election is one Sexy Vegan. This dude rules, and no one can tell me otherwise.

For one, when he says he’s running for president, he really means it. His first statement of candidacy was rejected by the SEC, and when he found out, he filed another, accompanied by the following letter. Please note his use of comic sans:

There was, I figured, no way this dude could be for real, so I googled “sexy vegan dr phil” and expected to find nothing. It turns out I was wrong. Extremely wrong.

Sexy Vegan’s inaugural ‘Dr. Phil’ appearance

Sexy Vegan’s letter to the FEC fails to mention that he’s actually been on Dr. Phil twice — the first time, above, ended with him getting forcibly removed from the set for swearing while doing the moonwalk, and his second appearance, below, features him apologizing for the first appearance, and also singing show tunes.

Sexy Vegan’s second ‘Dr. Phil’ appearance, in which he apologizes for his first ‘Dr. Phil’ appearance

According to an article on Dr. Phil’s site, Sexy Vegan — who, as you may have noticed, has the words “sexy” and “vegan” tattooed on his face — isn’t particularly picky about whether he should become the next president or America’s first king.

In 2016, a candidate named Deez Nuts became a minor sensation when he began holding his own in polls as a third-party alternative to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Sadly, Deez Nuts was ineligible to actually be president, as he was 15 at the time and the president has to be at least 35. While Sexy Vegan is no Deez Nuts, he looks like he might be 35, so he may have that hurdle cleared. Anyways, President Sexy Vegan is not the leader that America needs, but he is probably the leader we deserve.