You’ve got to admit that Donald Trump’s working retirement has been pretty dope so far. I mean, tell me you don’t want this lifestyle when you’re 71 years old: he lives in a big white mansion with a top-notch staff, he can go on free vacations basically whenever he wants, he plays golf once or twice a week, and can have unlimited Diet Cokes delivered right to his private day room, just by pushing a button. Most importantly, though, he gets to put on a Snuggie-soft bathrobe while he watches four to eight hours of his favorite TV shows every day.
But here’s the best part: all of Donald’s favorite TV shows are all about him and what a great job he’s doing! His favorite program is definitely Fox & Friends, which is on in the morning. Donald’s second-favorite show is probably this weeknightly one-man production called Hannity, featuring conservative talk radio host Sean Hannity. Donald is so stoked about Sean’s work that he’ll chat him up on the phone after the show or sometimes invite him over for a nice dinner. They say it’s harder to make friends when you’re older, but these two seem to have really hit it off.
So yeah, I guess you could say Donald has it made, except for one thing: This guy Robert Mueller. The Special Counsel is ruining everything for Donald with this whole investigation thing about Russian meddling in the 2016 election and possible collusion and obstruction of justice. He’s been bothering a bunch of Donald’s friends, accusing them of this, that, and the other. Donald said Mueller’s whole thing was “A TOTAL WITCH HUNT!!!” after the Special Counsel sent the police to his lawyer-friend Michael’s house to take a bunch of his stuff to investigate some potentially illegal things he’s been up to.
Donald’s good friend Sean spent all last week saying pretty much the same thing on his show. “And a source close to [my close personal friend Donald] tonight is telling Fox News that [Mueller's whole thing] is way out of control,” Sean revealed last Monday. Donald loved it. “Big show tonight on @seanhannity! 9:00 P.M. on @FoxNews,” he told everyone last Wednesday on Twitter.
Then, on Monday, we found out Donald and Sean are such good friends that they even have the same lawyer-friend: Michael! Except Sean seemed kinda embarrassed about it. At first he wanted to keep it a secret. When he couldn’t do that, he admitted that, yep, Michael is his lawyer-friend. Then, a little later, he said that actually Michael is just a friend-friend who gives good legal advice, and that they actually they just talk about real estate, mostly.
Then, last night, he dedicated almost a full three minutes at the end of his show to explaining how silly the “hysterical media” was being about this whole thing. “My discussions with [my friend Michael who is coincidentally a lawyer] never rose to any level that I needed to tell anyone that I was asking him questions,” he said in response to widespread concerns that he committed a grave violation of journalistic ethics by spending a whole week bashing Mueller for witch-hunting his friends Donald and Michael without telling anyone that Michael was his lawyer-friend.
The thing is, Sean might be in big trouble now. It’s kind of a big no-no for journalists to cover their friends without telling people that they’re friends, especially if they’re lawyer-friends. Fox News is usually pretty forgiving, but if Sean loses his job, Donald will lose his second-favorite TV show by one of his best friends, making his dope working retirement a little less dope.
Mueller has given Donald a pretty hard time lately. Messing with Donald’s stories might be the meanest thing yet. But I guess when you’re friends with journalists who cover you and talk about how great you are all the time, this kind of thing is bound to happen sooner or later.