A peaceful and focused mind — it seems like an impossibility, and, well. I don’t want to be the one to break it to you. But what if it weren’t?

“Med-i-ta-ti-on.” It’s an old practice, and a new one. Your friends are doing it — or are they? It’s on your phone, it’s in your home. It’s bringing you peace, it’s loved by your niece. Meditation, meditation, what’s the situation? I’ll tell you right now with no hesitation.

Let’s take a dive.

Okay, so, slow down for a minute. What is meditation?

It’s easy to be confused about what is meditation. You see it and you think: What’s that person doing? Sitting? Or what? They’re closing their eyes, so are they asleep? You know they’re not dead because you felt underneath their nose and they’re breathing, but it’s like, helloooooooo? Anybody in there? You’re waving at them and it’s like, what?

According to FreeMeditation.com, however, meditation is “a state of deep peace that occurs when the mind is calm and silent.” Nice!

All right, I’m getting it. Do you need anything in order to start meditating?

Technically you don’t need anything to start meditating. However, according to this headline in Fortune, meditation is now a billion-dollar business, so there’s gotta be some stuff out there you can buy. Soft clothes, maybe, or a thing for the ground. An app on your phone where you forgot that it was going to keep charging you after the first free month, and now you’re afraid to check if it’s still charging you because it’s been so long and you sort of don’t want to know. A CD to listen to, incense. If your goal is to spend money, I know a lot of ways you can do it. You can buy a candle.

Anyway, I’d love to keep going, but that’s as much as I can give you right now in terms of what you can buy. Venmo me $15 a month for more examples.

Okay, so how do you meditate?

Damn… a billion bucks. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a billion bucks? I’m still thinking about it. All that money, just for you. Money, money, money, money. Stay in any hotel you want. Meditate on that, if you get a chance.

Okay, so how do you meditate?

That is a great question. You’re going to struggle with it a little at first, but not at very first, because at very first, what you do is enter the search phrase “how do you meditate?” into Google, which is fairly simple. This is what comes up:

1. Sit or lie comfortably. You may even want to invest in a meditation chair.
2. Close your eyes.
3. Make no effort to control the breath; simply breathe naturally.
4. Focus your attention on the breath and on how the body moves with each inhalation and exhalation.

A meditation chair, I didn’t even think of that! You can also buy a meditation chair. This one costs $349.

Should you have a mantra?

A mantra, for those who don’t know, is “a word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation.” Hm. Yes, it seems like you should have a mantra.

Here are some sample mantras that you can try on for size. “Om.” “I am that I am.” “Any hotel you want.” “Love is the only miracle there is.” “Kelly.” “Om Mani Padme Hum.” “Kelly Conaboy specifically.” “Every day in every way I’m getting better and better.” “Aum.”

Or, if you must, you can make up your own.

Do you think it will help?

Help with what?

Just everything.

Yeah. I don’t know.

Okay.

I’m sorry. I bet it’ll help a little?

Yeah.

It at least can’t hurt.

Okay.

I know. I’m sorry.

So, that’s pretty much all I need to know about how to meditate, right?

Right.