Over the weekend, retired Yankee Alex Rodriguez proposed to his girlfriend, former 6-train rider Jennifer Lopez. Congratulations to them both.
The proposal took place on a beach in the Bahamas. According to People magazine, J-Lo wore a white skirt and top by the brand Spell & the Gypsy Collective and A-Rod wore white jeans and a gray sweater, no brands indicated.
Down on one knee, ring in a box, the beach: a pretty normal proposal. But there’s one thing that is amiss. In their engagement photos, which the couple posted to Instagram and presumably distributed to media outlets, A-Rod’s face is so Facetuned, he looks like a Ken doll or, as my friend said, “a cloud with a smile.” Here are several of the photos so you can see A-Rod’s “face” from multiple angles.
As you can see, it appears the 43-year-old Rod has either gotten an extensive chemical peel, went overboard on a the photo-editing app Facetune trying to make himself appear “Glossier dewy,” but also with no features, or obtained a new face altogether.
“Facetune face” is not a new phenomenon; the app, which was created by an Israeli company and first released in 2013, had long been loved in Asia before use of it caught on by Instagram influencers and men on Tinder trying to look younger (I think?) but ending up looking like badly rendered Pixar characters. It is a wonderful app that can make you look like you don’t have acne or a light female mustache, but must be used sparingly and with extreme caution.
Upon closer study, I have determined that A-Rod’s face is so indistinct in these photos and that it resembles at least three other things, which I will list here accompanied by rudimentary photoshops.
- The Jesus painting that lady in Spain fucked up a few years ago
- My dog, Baby
- Ben Affleck, who also once proposed to J-Lo, pictured here after dental surgery
Well, I could go on all day, but it’s time for this post to end. Congrats to the happy couple.