I love my Juul. I love its perfect, palm-sized shape and dusted gold finish (thank you for asking — yes, I do have the special edition gold device bequeathed only to the most loyal of auto-ship customers.) I love that I can covertly get a nicotine buzz and a satisfying mango-flavored Air Snack in the office bathroom with my coworkers none the wiser. I don’t work in a cool place full of savvy vapists where — in my imagination — vaping is treated as a team-building exercise, so the rush I get from my clandestine mango puffs is a high that nearly rivals that of the nicotine itself.
The government, however, does not love my Juul. The government wants to take away my Juul because its pleasure is so universal that teens, whose brains are soft like one of Ariana Grande’s oversized hoodies, are becoming increasingly addicted to its near-smokeless perfection.
In June, San Franciscans voted to ban flavored nicotine, which includes the majority of Juul’s pod offerings, and the FDA is threatening to ban the sale of Juul devices, along with four other vape brands, if the brands can’t prove they’re not intentionally corrupting our youth. Massachusetts’ Attorney General’s office has also decided to investigate Juul amidst allegations that they specifically target underage buyers in their advertising. Adding insult to injury, Juul recently announced that it has chosen to shelve 55 in-production flavors amidst a national normie-backlash.
In an effort to quiet my anxious mind (and manifest my dreams into reality, The Secret-style) I have brainstormed new Juul flavors that should, in a fair and just world, exist. Let’s will these into existence before the company is regulated into a corner and then put out of business by Philip Morris.
Chai Tea pods would be an instant classic. Unlike the crème brûlée flavored pods already on the market, which taste like the kind of poison a witch would try to trick a child into eating, a Chai pod would taste spicy and herbal, with only a slight, sweet-cream finish. It would be a perfect addition to Juul’s fall flavor offerings that will undoubtedly not come out this year or potentially any year ever.
Juul currently has two fruit flavored offerings, unless you count Cucumber Mint, which you should not. In addition to the aforementioned Mango pods, which are my personal preference and cannot be improved upon, Juul offers a Fruit Medley flavored pod. According to their website, Fruit Medley is a blend of peach, grape, and “berry” flavors, but in my opinion it is far too grape-forward. Maybe flavor blends aren't Juul’s specialty, which is fine. Their flavor scientists have proven that they can master emulating one fruit flavor (beloved Mango,) so I’m confident they could create a zesty, citrusy Grapefruit pod with the perfect sweet/bitter ratio.
For a company whose purpose is to is to wean adults from smoking, their attempts at replicating a true tobacco flavor are dismal, at best. Juul currently offers two types of tobacco flavored pods (not including the dreaded Menthol, which will only be granted one mention in this article.) Classic Tobacco, a special edition pod, tastes like burnt sticks. Their other option, Virginia Tobacco, is too cloying and artificial for my tastes. According to a poll conducted by Vaping 360 — which I assume is the paper of record in vape culture — 38,000 users were asked to name their favorite pod flavor. Virginia Tobacco ranked last. This is not a coincidence.
Juul’s first foray into the dessert-pod genre was too ambitious. Eating crème brûlée is an experience, and no vape product on the market can adequately translate its flavor and texture complexities into a puff of vapor. However, I like the idea of a post dinner, no-cal treat, and hope that Juul tackles a dark chocolate flavored pod. A smooth, semisweet, 70% cacao flavored pod would pair finely with coffee or a Manhattan.
How is this not a thing?
Flavors that almost made the list: Black cherry, lemonade, basil, mint chocolate, Cuban cigar, gin, brown butter and sage, cheddar cheese.