Hooves in your hair. A horse body beside you. A human man’s head on the horse body, kissing you goodnight. It’s every woman’s dream, of course — to be involved romantically with a horse who has a human face that only you can see because you were born in the Year of the Horse — but for the protagonist of the mobile game My Horse Prince, it’s a reality.

My Horse Prince, a dating simulator from USAYA Co., Ltd., known in Japan as Uma no Prince-sama and recently translated into English, has been trending in Apple’s app store this week. I’d like to state up front, very plainly, that I do not recommend it. However, as a giving woman I feel it would be rude for me to withhold from you the knowledge I gained during the entire day I spent wooing my own horse prince.

With that in mind, please review my notes:

Maintain your stamina. If winning a horse prince were easy, everyone would have a horse prince. My Horse Prince is split into chapters, and the chapters contain games, and they are all the same game, which is clicking. In one of them the horse-man is chopping onions, and you click on the onions; in another he is surfing, and you click on the waves; in another he is playing guitar, and you click on microphones. Unless you want to give the app money, which I advise against in the strongest of terms, these games take roughly your entire life to play. Nobody said winning your horse prince would be effortless, and the hard work you put into it will make your horse romance, once you have achieved it, all the more satisfying.

Be okay with things that are possibly very sexual. In one episode, your horse-man will wake up in your apartment, cook you a breakfast of green onions, tell you to open wide, and put green onions in your mouth until you choke. In that same episode, your horse-man will say, “Little one, you must learn what it means to be owned…,” and maybe he was saying it to the dog who was also there, but still. In another episode, your horse-man will hold you from behind immediately after he emerges from the ocean and you will say, “My clothes are all wet now!” Your horse-man will pin you against a wall and put his human face very close to yours on multiple occasions. Also here is a quote:

“Do I really have those kinds of feelings for a horse…? I tried my best to suppress such dangerous thoughts. No matter how hot he is, he still has a horse’s body!”

Girl, just roll with it. You’re only young once.

Play hard to get. Time and again, in order to increase your horse-man’s energy levels while you’re playing the clicking games, you’re going to have to enter into conversation with your horse-man. (Conversation allows him to regain his horse energy — please keep up.) The “conversation” will consist of him asking you a series of questions for varying point levels. The correct answers may seem obvious, and this is where you must be careful not to be too agreeable. For example, your (light brown) horse-man will ask if you prefer horses who are “light brown,” “white,” or “black.” Choosing “light brown,” like a sycophant, will get you 15 points. Choosing “white” will get you 30 points, and in response he will say, “So, should I become a prince on a white horse and come and pick you up?” Okay. Choosing “black” will get you negative 15 points. This particular question seems racist also, yes.

Be relaxed about uncomfortable money conversations. I don’t mean real money. Please, I’ll tell you again: Do not give this app your real money. However, there will be a number of points in the game where money is brought up in a way that may strike you as odd at first glance. At the beginning, your character will wonder whether she wants to spend the money to keep the horse-man alive or let him be killed. Later, the horse-man will ask her directly if she will spend a lot of money on him, and she says yes but only because she can’t say no to his beautiful face. (“Kelly, as my owner… you’ll invest a lot of money in me, right?” “Of course! [What! I agreed again… But. I guess I should help him out. I’ll quit another time!]”) She will speak of her financial regret frequently.

It’s fine.

Remember that you told the game your name. There are going to be a number of very startling moments when the horse calls your character by your real-life name. These moments will be less starting if you remember that you told the game your name.

You can let your energy get to 0 percent and it’s fine. This is actually just a real tip. For the majority of the time I spent playing this game, I was under the impression that if your energy level got to 0 percent your horse would die or at least the game would start over. This is not true. In fact, nothing happens except your horse looks sad and the amount of points you get for clicking on things decreases to 20. Incredible.

Good luck and have fun fucking your horse prince!