leah letter

Too many dicks

We are a nation owned by wangs.
leah letter

Too many dicks

We are a nation owned by wangs.

Here is a small anecdote. One time, in 2011, I went to Egypt to report on the Arab Spring. What a time! Revolution is really something. In the newsroom where I worked in Cairo, there were many televisions set to different news channels, dissimilar from what you might have seen on the extremely accurate television program The Newsroom. However, unlike in an American newsroom, these televisions were set to Middle Eastern news channels, and 90 percent of the coverage was about the revolution, the Muslim Brotherhood, and how Israel is evil.

There was one sad television in the corner that played CNN. It stood out from the rest because while the other TVs broadcast images of human suffering and political upheaval, CNN was on a 24-hour bender about Anthony Weiner’s dick. This was when Weiner’s lil bone first made its international debut – his penis cotillion, if you will. So while the overthrowing of Egypt's government by the will of its people was live-streamed in real time by Arab media, the American press zeroed in on the cock of an idiot representative.

That wang has now owned us for five years, proving that if there is one thing Americans love, it is genitals, even when they’re pretending to hate or be shocked by them. America should be renamed United States of Junk. This is what late capitalism hath wrought: an obsession with the burning sensation (or lack thereof) in our crotches. America is so embarrassing!

A man who seems to be especially into dicks, dicking people over, and dicking around is F.B.I. Director James Comey. Here are some fascinating facts about James Comey. He goes by "Jim." He was born Roman Catholic but converted to Methodist. Wow! What an interesting man. His senior thesis at the College of William and Mary analyzed Reinhold Niebuhr and Jerry Falwell and their “common belief in public action.” He led Martha Stewart’s show trial so you know he is not a fan of female influencers. And, my personal favorite #ComeyFact, he keeps a photocopy of the F.B.I.’s request to wiretap Martin Luther King Jr. on his desk "as a reminder of the bureau’s capacity to do wrong." What a nice little memento on which he can reflect.

In the past, James Comey has been described as a "deeply serious man"; a "clean cut" "straight shooter" who acts on his gut ("gut" is always code for "dick") instincts, unlike all the other bedraggled people in Washington who use their brains to make decisions. James Comey is male privilege. There was an article a few weeks ago about how there are about zero women in leadership positions in the F.B.I., and wow is that ever obvious. The F.B.I. is so bad, they couldn’t even catch Whitey Bulger. He was right there? What?

Seriously, what is the F.B.I.? On Law & Order SVU, the F.B.I. is always fucking up Sergeant Benson's very sensitive investigations, and in real life, they are also doing a ton of dumb shit. Comey's F.B.I. is rather obsessed with digital impropriety and celebrity. When the agency is not interviewing movie stars about tabloid child abuse stories planted by Angelina Jolie, it is focusing on America's main enemy, its new Eric Robert Rudolph – Anthony Weiner's penis. This is nuts.

Using Anthony Weiner's embattled penis as an attempt to bring down Hillary Clinton is possibly the darkest and most misogynistic political maneuver in modern politics, and also cements Anthony Weiner's vagrant member as one of the most enduring news stories of the 21st century. Anthony Weiner's troubled schlong will be on every top 10 list at the end of this year (Top 10 Dicks that Defined 2016. Top 10 Fleek AF Anthony Weiner Cock Moments. Top 10 Times Huma Didn't Listen to Lemonade and Decide to Leave Anthony Weiner Because Real Life is Not a Beyoncé Album and Also Beyoncé is Still With Jay Z.). It didn't have to be this way, but thanks to James Comey, it is.

God. I'm so tired of penises! Everywhere I go, men saying: listen to me talk about my penis. Penis on a magazine cover. Exegesis of a penis. Penis on Westworld. Please, read about my penis. You hurt my penis's feelings. No birth control for my penis. Sensitive penis poem. NYT: Rock-Hard Penis Makes Tough Decision. The Supreme logo, but instead of "Supreme," penis. Every time a man thinks about his penis, a woman is oppressed. This madness must be stopped, not only for America, but for the world.

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